The Miss USA pageant, a tournament whose noble purpose since 2003 been to give attractive American women an opportunity to meet and be deflowered by iconic hero of American spirit Donald Trump was held last night, and Rima Fakih of Michigan was selected as being most able to serve as Trump’s supple courtesan. The choice of Rima, a Lebanese-born immigrant, has stirred controversy, however, as many Americans wonder whether her Islamic heritage might somehow spread to Donald through their couplings. Causing even more concern, however, is the question of whether the selection of a Muslim girl might signal something even more insidious – that our beauty pageants might have been infiltrated by the most troubling plague of all – affirmative action.

Could it be true that our beauty pageants are not the purely rational, scientific, objective analysis of young women’s breasts, legs, butts, bellies, skin, facial symmetry, healthfulness as indicated by muscle tone and definition, hair (body and head), and ability to politically but vaguely answer questions relating to hot-button issues that something as important as the Trump bridal selection process must be? Are we allowing the hot wind of political correctness to bend our erections towards women perhaps less fit to bear his mighty Trumpseed? Let’s assume that Daniel Pipes is right, which is an assumption I’m happy to make as it allows me to continue writing this article without having to resort to basic fact-checking or boring statistical analysis, and pretend like there has been a recent uptick in the number of Muslim women winning beauty pageants.

Why would this be? Is it because, as one of Pipes’ readers suggests, the pageants feel the need to generate controversy by selecting Muslim women, because they know full well that their viewership is generally backwards country rubes who fly into a half-cocked, ignorant rage at the notion of Islam as anything but the enemy in a holy war dating back for all of eternity and destined to continue until the rapture takes them all to a heaven where only white Christian girls can win beauty pageants, the way it used to be? Maybe! Here’s another guess: What if the fact that they’re Muslim somehow makes them seem dangerous hot, a type of hot which is hotter than sorority white girl hot, or even debutante black girl hot, who have so far been the mainstays in pageantry. The type of hot that makes it OK for reputable members of society such as myself to talk about their sexual fantasies involving Jihad Jane at places like the local public pool, or a crowded subway platform. Or, even more Maybelline, perhaps the judges, riding high on their prescription pill-fueled power rush, have convinced themselves that, through their selections, they have the opportunity to make the world a more understanding and better place.

If that’s the case, they need to get off their high horse and realize that they are beholden to an even greater legacy – Donald Trump’s sperm – and leave the playing God to people like Barack Obama (another underqualified Muslim) and Donald Trump.